Attack Squirrels


My Wife’s war with the Sciurus carolinesis (Eastern Gray squirrel) has been elevated from a simple ground assault, with the squirrels pillaging and looting the gardens and planters around Headquarters. to upping the ante’ to an aerial assault, sending in trained paratrooper squirrels to leap from poles and trees into hanging plants and raised garden beds to cause sabotage.
Now the squirrels, undeterred by yelling, cursing, and stick throwing, mounted a more sinister, more savvy, diabolical technological approach.

Not content to continue the ground offensive now that the first snows of winter have arrived, the squirrels have stepped up the game, into the realm of, dare I say it? Cyber-warfare!!

Yesterday, perhaps under the cloak of a pre-dawn feint to lure us into a fake frontal assault on the planters in the front of the house, a clandestine team of highly skilled squirrel combatants known as the ‘Das Eichhörnchne Schattenkrieger‘ made there way up and onto the coaxial lines that feed our internet. Then with malicious aforethought and unholy machinations, the Eichhörnchne Schattenkrieger set about their evil cyber warfare plans.

One by one, they surreptitiously began chewing, not one, but multiple boreholes into the casing of the coaxial lines the transit and receive our encrypted digital signals to and from HQ. We were unaware of this cyber blitz, until little by little we noticed a subtle degradation in our secure communications with the outside world, until, finally – ALL communications ceased. We were cut off!!! Unable to post the simplest of memes, nor able to receive vital news of the outside world, cutting off satellite reception, not even able to stream a movie for R&R!! A further check of our communications revealed that…horror of horrors, they had masticated their way through the covering of my Universal Serial Bus cable attached to my GOES satellite receiving station.

Unable to use the digital infobahn to call for help, we were forced to use cellular transmissions to call for help. Reinforcements soon arrived, and a technician, skilled in the ways of tech, stood face to face with the adversaries, as he checked the lines. From their lofty perches, the Eichhörnchne Schattenkrieger watched, their small black beady eyes squinting against the cold wet wind, knowing that their cyber warfare plans had been thwarted. Soon with new communications lines laid across the battlefield to HQ, and an armored USB cable replaced to the satellite receiving station, our communications were restored and I could post this vital; communique.

Back in the recesses of the squirrel bunkers, away from prying eyes, the squirrels began the next step in global world domination. One squirrel watched from a distance, as a lookout- as the other squirrels, clad in heavy lead-lined jumpsuits went back to the task of refining and enriching the yellow powder marked “U-235” spinning in centrifuges made from hollowed walnut shells…..

You have been warned ……to be continued

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